How Do I Deal with Embarrassment From Getting Feedback?
Can I tell you the first thing I noticed when I read through this?
That you put “smart writer person” and “perfect” in quotation marks.
As though you are already drawing attention for yourself as to what might need to shift.
But I’m getting ahead, let’s start with outlining the emotion of embarrassment.
Embarrassment is considered a complex emotion, meaning its root emotion is one of the major five: happy, sad, anger, disgust, and fear (otherwise known as the characters from the first Inside Out).
Which I think allows us to consider something important here: what feelings were also present while you practiced your symposium work.
Something to try: write out questions that you MAY have been feeling. Just because you write them down does not mean they’re true so practice not judging yourself in this exercise about what you write down.
Some examples:
Am I afraid I will lose my position if I don’t present a finished product?
Am I disgusted with the idea that I create works in progress?
Am I angry that I received feedback because what I actually needed was being cheered on?
Write down as many possible questions as you can. Then walk away for a while, do a chore or go for a stroll, and then come back to the questions. Answer yes or no or maybe to all the questions. Then go back and highlight the questions that feel true. Or even parts of questions that feel true.
Those are emotions and stories to keep an eye on.
We don’t (and can’t) tackle and unpack what that may mean for wounds and healing and sustainability in the field. But we can store this information as data for the future.
And if you have a therapist, this could be a topic to unpack!
Now, leaving the root emotions behind, let’s get back to the things in the quotes.
The caricature of yourself as ONLY a smart writer - someone who has everything figured out, ironed out every idea, able to write a final draft in the first go, endless vocabulary to pull from, manuscript ideas fully formed, counter-points to challenges at the ready.
An impossible reality. Which means it’s an impossible persona to attempt to perform.
Which means, you can let it go.
You’re not any less of a writer for needing a second or third draft. You’re not any less smart because you need to present a work in progress talk for feedback. You’re not any less of a writer for needing edits or not completing a thought on the page. You’re not any less smart when you say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I hadn’t thought about that’.
And I think that ties right into the other thing in quotations: perfect.
There is no perfect academic. There is no perfect scholar. There is no perfect professor, student, researcher, fellow, PI, or lab mate.
Meaning everyone’s work at any stage of academia - the final project, the submitted manuscript, the presentation - is not going to be perfect either.
And this professor that you respect, who has been around in academia as both a student and teacher, knows that well. (Also, it’s okay to have someone whose opinion and perspective really matters to you, there’s nothing wrong with caring [the concern would be if you over-value one person’s perspective or opinion] but just caring, just valuing is absolutely normal)
From what you wrote, it sounds like this professor stuck to comments on improving the presentation (rather than attacking you as a human or demanding a perfect product/presentation) so what I speak to below might not fit, or it might be something you’re carrying around from before, but if what you wrote here isn’t the whole story and they did not stick to improving the presentation, and rather you were degraded or humiliated or bullied by this professor during your presentation, please know that it’s well within your rights to discuss that with higher ups at your department or university.
I bring that up because perfectionism is often tied up with shame, an idea of being “bad” or inherently as a person not good enough. I don’t know if that feels more relatable than embarrassment when you consider what it feels like in your body. It’s one scenario if you’re holding yourself to a standard of perfection, and something else entirely if you have a professor holding you to an impossible standard.
So back to embarrassment, much different than shame because embarrassment tends to have this air of while it is an uncomfortable emotion to experience, it’s also a feeling you know you’re not alone in.
As though you know nearly every person in their lives, from middle school to professional work settings - have had constructive critiques on their presentation from someone they look up to or otherwise is in a position of authority.
Can you connect to that here? That it’s more universal than it is specific to meaning something about you?
The emotion of embarrassment isn’t something to rid of, it’s something to feel through even if it isn’t the most comfortable of emotions.
How to feel through it? A few to-try’s:
Watch a clip of an embarrassing moment shown in a tv show or movie. Answer these questions afterwards:
What did you feel in your body as you watched that? Did you cover or close your eyes? Did you get a feeling in your stomach or chest or throat? Did your body temperature change?
What did the person or people do after they felt embarrassed? Was it a healthy or helpful response?
What would you say to the person or people who are embarrassed? Do you have any advice? Or do you just want them to know they aren’t alone?
Is there anything in what you said above that might be something you need to hear?
Shake it out / dance it out / embrace “a shimmy a day” - sometimes all our bodies need to get to the end of the emotion is to know we’re safe and our bodies can be playful. Especially if you find yourself thinking back to a moment of embarrassment that happened some time ago. So put on a song or playlist and let your body know you’re ready to move on from being stuck in this emotional landscape.
Repeat neutral affirmations to yourself in the mirror
“I am a human being so I feel emotions”
“I am in my body so I notice X and Y sensations”
“I am a person, and for that, I am glad”
“This is the body I have today”
Embarrassment is part of the human experience and feeling embarrassed means you’re human!
However, perfection and caricatures of ourselves are two expectations to rid of. And shame is something to work through to live more full and connected lives.
There isn’t a magic wand for the paragraph above, to rid unfair expectations of ourselves or leave shame behind.
But as you know in research, identifying what isn’t working is the start. And gathering enough data around what isn’t working is what leads to being able to make an informed decision about change.
Be kind to yourself!
Til next Sunday,
Dr. Sydney Conroy
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