Is This Really the Most Free Time I’ll Ever Have?
Before we get into my reactions to your professor’s statement and engage with your questions, I want to start first by taking what you said seriously when it comes to struggling to picture yourself growing older. I don’t know the depths by which you meant that statement, from burnout to disenchantment with the world to disappointments toward the future to thoughts of harming yourself, and I want to say, no matter how you meant it, I see you. In whatever level of hurt and pain you’re saying that statement from. If do you have thoughts or plans of no longer existing, please use https://findahelpline.com/ for your country’s mental health crisis support.
I apologize if that comes off as more serious than you intended that statement, but on the chance you need to hear from someone that your life and continued existence matters, and that you’re being witnessed in your suffering and challenges in this letter back to you, I wanted to take a moment to do that.
As for your professor’s statement, I have to be honest that my first reaction to it was an eye roll. I got the sense that it was said to you in the way that people tell high schoolers that those are the best years of their lives or when folks try to tell children that they have no idea what stress is yet. A projection of sorts.
But also maybe a misremembering. I think people forget the day-to-day experience of a PhD when you’re no longer in it - I have to admit that I’ve been guilty of romanizing my time even in the nine months it’s been since defending my thesis. The minute-to-minute consumption of thoughts for your research during the day, the way being behind on deadlines or tasks or emails sneaks into your life and just never leaves, or how even if you’re trying to watch a tv show or read a book, your mind will make connection to your work and it feels like your brain is never really disconnected. It is a sort of amazing phenomenological experience to feel like you’re running out of hours in the day and days in the week sitting behind a screen reading and writing.
So whether it’s a projection from that professor feeling like the most free time they had was during their PhD or a misremembering of how little time is actually “free” from your PhD topic or work during these years, I think the most valuable use of our time in this letter is not to debate which one or neither, but rather work from face value: that the idea of this being the most free time you’ll ever have has you crying in the bathroom and wanting to leave your PhD.
That’s what I’m going to write the rest of this letter to.
I can tell you from experience that levels of free time ebb and flow throughout a PhD journey (and that free time certainly does change in similar ways after as well), but rather than give you my experience as some sort of template that you can expect for yourself (because PhDs and their aftermath are so individual and hardly comparable ever), I want you to think about some stories, narratives, and expectations you have for yourself and your PhD.
Here are some questions I think might be helpful for you to consider:
What level of work can I produce and feel proud of?
Is this more, less, or equal to what I’m doing right now?
Is there perfectionism or unattainable levels of success at play here?
What level of work can I do and exist about my life?
Do I believe the phrase ‘A good PhD is a done PhD’ for myself?
Is there anyone above me in my program that I look up to in terms of work/life balance that I could check in with?
What are two things I am missing in my life right now that are high priority to recover / reintegrate?
If you’ve been around for awhile you’ll know I love to encourage writing or therapy or creating art in response to ponderings like these, but however you want to engage with these questions (if at all), please do what feels right!
These are just a few starting points that might shift your perspective on the time and energy you’re divvying up and if you would like to keep that going or if there is any wiggle room. Because sometimes it isn’t about needing more hours, but about getting comfortable using our hours differently.
Sometimes it is about shifting our mindset and expectations of ourselves.
Because as you mentioned, we’re existing in a broken system. Academia as a system certainly does not meaningfully encouraging rest or free time or sustainable workloads. And systems are not for taking on as individuals, that’s something that requires community and organizing and capacity. Right now, is for you. You know that saying that everyone loves from airplane safety, to put your mask on before helping someone else? That applies to right now. So yes, acknowledge a broken system, but then turn to your attention to caring for yourself well enough to get to a place where the idea of free time (and less of it) doesn’t bring you to tears in the toilet.
And since we can’t see into the future or know the state of your free time in three weeks, three months, or three years, let’s start with your (lack) of free time now.
For tangible, sustainable, changes you can make toward work-life balance, start small. And I really mean small.
Set a timer for five minutes tomorrow. Do at least one thing in that timeframe for yourself (write in your journal, do a face scrub, throw your bedding in the wash, do a two sets of ten reps of your fav ab exercise). Repeat every day and add one more minute. Try to get to fifteen minutes and check in with how you feel. Are the things you doing making a meaningful difference? Is there something else you’re noticing pop up that would be more helpful? Do you need more time? What would happen if the timer was set for thirty minutes?
Work-life balance isn’t always grand sweeping changes, it’s often times showing up for yourself consistently. And that can start with five minutes every day.
As for connections and relationships, try activities or time-slots where you don’t feel like you’re ’taking away’ from your school work. What do I mean by that?
Co-working with friends over zoom when you’re not in class, or co-working (even with noise canceling headphones on) at a cafe or library. Discuss with them before that you’re making an effort to achieve a better work-life balance and so you need to work, but you also value their company and time together. Sometimes you need to schedule in a couple 10 minute catch up breaks so you actually get some connection time. It may feel totally silly to be this scheduled about it, but when you feel like you don’t have time, this can help your brain keep a different perspective on the matter.
Also: one hour of play per week (you did ask a play therapist for insight/advice lol) - I don’t care if it’s 20 minutes of video games, I don’t care if it’s two rounds of Uno on your lunch break with a peer, I don’t care if it’s dancing in the kitchen while you’re cooking (because you have to eat). I know you didn’t ask for this, but I’m saying this for sustainability. Because even if we can’t change the system, we can change our capacity to exist within it. Our bodies need to release energy and know we’re safe, play can achieve this.
A note on stopping your PhD, if no longer being in school saves your life or it feels life or death in terms of decision making, make the choice to stop. Or make the choice to pause. If you got to this point in the letter and you feel like everything you read is bullshit and unhelpful and you cannot stand the idea of continuing on with very little free time, I’d encourage you to make a plan towards pausing or stopping. If you feel a tiny bit hopeful, or like you want to try these suggestions out of spite, (you may hate this) but give yourself five to six months of trying these things consistently. And then return to the decision of stay, pause, or stop.
It is of utmost importance to manage the now - to be able to sleep in and see your friends and have hobbies and be an expansive human being. Which will not come overnight, but it will come in small moments and choices.
I know we’ve been given examples, models, and stories of hustle culture and harming your wellbeing in the name of success, especially in academia with the acceptance of ‘publish or perish’ or the tenure track process, but that’s not what it has to be. It is not what you have to allow your experience to be.
Please take care of yourself.
Til next Sunday,
Dr. Sydney Conroy
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