How Do I Go About Making an Informed Decision About Returning to Academia vs. Becoming an Independent Researcher?
I believe congratulations are in order to start: you finished your master’s! That’s a massive accomplishment!
Particularly in the space of academia where there’s always another degree or position or grant or one-in-a-lifetime opportunity to share your work to strive towards, I think celebrating is one of the most crucial things to do. It forces you to stop and take a clearer look at all the work that you have done and recognize it as worth honoring. To acknowledge all the energy and effort that brought you to completing a masters.
Which brings me to, of course you’re tired! How very human of you to be exhausted at the end of years of learning, researching, and writing a comprehensive piece of original work!!! (Emphasis for normalizing, not for yelling or judgement). It makes all the sense in the world to me.
You didn’t use the word ‘should’ but I got the sense from your letter and this dissatisfaction bit, that you’re ‘shoulding’ on yourself (read: shitting on yourself) [an old therapist of mine taught me that and I love it very much].
That you have a timeline from somewhere about how long you ‘should’ be tired for. Or that you ‘should’ know if the PhD is the next right step for you in the middle of being exhausted. Or that finishing a degree ‘should’ feel a certain way.
One of the best shifts I ever made for myself - emotional work I started with the therapist who gave me that saying - is to honor the emotions that are happening. To not intellectualize and try to change the emotion or explain it away or compare it to some story I have in my head.
The truth is you are tired. You’re exhausted.
The ‘to-trys’ for today are to start there.
Start with recovery, with rejuvenating, with reenergizing. You are in a really unique position where you know you can’t get into academia again (in terms of a degree) until after your partner is done with their degree. So there’s nothing to do right now (it wouldn’t even be time to prep an application if you wanted to) but exist with that exhaustion. Repair first, then plan.
Create a ‘care menu’. I think of this like an actual menu. So there are appetizers, a main course, sides, and desserts. Craft (in words or pictures or digital media) a menu for yourself that can help you chose activities, outings, or connections on days for when you simply don’t have it in you (but you’re feeling a ‘should’ come in for doing something).
I think of the effort and time and energy required for each to know where to put them on the menu (appetizers being small, more accessible daily actions, main courses being larger or longer/ more special, sides being ‘add-ons’ to main course choices, and desserts being indulgent [but not in derogatory way]).
Putting sleep or doom scrolling or veg out in front of the TV are very valid to have on this menu because it can help to take away any guilt or shame that might come with ‘should’. You’re doing important work to care for yourself at the emotions you are at: exhaustion.
The menu can be something you choose from every day, just one day a week where maybe you do an entire day of the menu, or is really only referenced when you don’t know what else to do for yourself. You find what works for you. The important part is that the exhaustion becomes the focus, not the what’s next or extrapolating meaning from the tiredness.
Take a full intentional break from all things research topics. Use that time to explore things completed unrelated to research topics - rabbit holes you maybe felt guilty exploring during your masters because it took away from your work, follow one thing you’re curious about from another field (a new creator, a book, magazine, artist, etc.), or revisit something from your childhood that you loved but haven’t engaged with in awhile.
My encouragement for this is because I have a suspicion that you might be running a background tab in your mind that is draining energy because you aren’t actually stepping away from your academic work. (This is all caveated by free time - meaning if your professional work requires you to be up to date on your field/ writing on it, etc. then I am not saying stop that. I really just mean the ‘extra’ stuff in your free time). Really rest and step back.
I am a big advocate of making informed decisions, meaning we have all the data points we can get before we make a decision. It is rare that our best decisions are made from a state of exhaustion and tiredness. So before you go exploring what being a public academic looks like or looking at industry research opportunities or researching PhD programs (more data points), care for yourself in this place of tiredness first.
I think being surrounded by so many academic people, as happens during any degree (both in person and online), it can create such a skewed perception of what finishing a degree can look and feel like and what the next choice ‘should’ be. There’s such a scarcity mindset in academia as well that does no one any good in terms of self-compassion and caring for themselves. Be mindful of what conversations, content, opportunities, paths, make you start to slide back into having feelings about the feelings you’re having (i.e. feeling some type of way about feeling tired).
What I hope to share with you here is that there is no greater meaning to tiredness other than to alert you to care for yourself. To explore what a more sustainable way of existing is post-master’s degree. It is not an indicator of you not being able to do a PhD, if you decide you want to in the future. It is not an indicator that you did anything ‘wrong’ in how you existed in your masters. It is not a sign of not being able to be successful in academia. It is not a premonition or prophecy. It’s a human feeling that comes after working hard and existing in a world with so much pain and suffering.
I hope you take the slow winter months to rest, revive, heal, recover, reconnect. And in the spring or summer, revisit your curiosity for PhDing. See what your self-talk is saying then. Explore what new data points you have and which ones are helping you make the most informed decision for yourself.
I believe in you.
Til next Sunday, (for the last letter of 2024)
Dr. Sydney Conroy
Browse her academic tools | Subscribe for the next post straight to your inbox