Can I be kicked out of my lab for not being productive enough or being too stressed or too emotional?
I am sending you the biggest virtual hug. I can imagine how heavy a weight it is to hold all of these emotions by yourself and to exist in, what I picture as, a deep dark pool of water full of sadness.
When I picture you in the water, struggling for air and respite as you are weighed down with the weight of stories and layers of pain while treading water, I also hear you calling for help.
Sometimes it is not making a therapist appointment or reaching out to a helpline or the counseling center at the university, sometimes the first call for help is an anonymous share through a computer. A post, a letter, a DM, a comment. This is you taking care of yourself, fighting for your wellbeing, by sharing for the first time.
I hope if nothing else, the catharsis of putting it down into words - to allow it is exist out of your body - was helpful. And that realizing the world doesn’t crash and burn once you admit it once, that you might use this as evidence that it is okay to share again.
Here’s something I know to be true, shame thrives in silence.
The quieter we are, the more hidden our feelings become, the more isolated we make ourselves, the worse off we are.
I am here naming shame for you, as I recognize that you didn’t use that word yourself. Because what I hear in the fear of being a ‘waste of time, money, and energy’ is not being enough, not having a sense of worthiness to be there if you aren’t showing up emotionally in certain ways, of you not being ‘good’ if you aren’t productive and producing.
I can’t get into the details and specifics of your story, but I did want to provide you with a couple ways to feel less overwhelmed by your sadness and shame.
To try’s for shame and sadness:
A movement practice: Sometimes, based on our histories, being deeply aware of our bodies isn’t safe. If your past is filled with physical abuse of any kind, or any trauma or neglect where being really aware of your breath, limbs, or closing your eyes when you’re not alone can be unsafe, please don’t do this. Or do this in the presence of a trusted practitioner or person who can be with you for safety and support.
Find a movement practice - yoga or stretching or an audio for walking - it may incorporate touch or meditation too, that can become part of your weekly routine. Movement is important for healing, our bodies need to feel safe and function outside of signals of danger. This is a small intentional step towards that. I suspect your current exercise routine may be helping you complete your stress cycle, but it may not be able to do more than that based on the depth and persistences of your feelings. So don’t remove your current exercise, this is something to add in or trade out for day or two. It may be exhausting and emotional and challenging to do as you adjust to it, so be gentle with how frequently you do it and what time of day you do it.
An arts based practice: Make a physical representation of what your sadness or shame looks like. This can be through collage, painting, sculpture, drawing pottery, digital art, sand tray, or any other art form you feel called to. Notice what textures you’re drawn to, what colors, what size, what weight, what shapes. Your sadness and your shame is not all of what you are - they are emotions within you, but you have other emotions too. Making something that exists outside of you can help you remember that it’s not for always and this is not all you are. Some people like to talk to their physical representation, others write to it, others destroy it as the healing happens. But creating this is step one.
A journaling practice: Open to two blank pages. On the left side, write down every negative shame based story you’re telling yourself. “I am too sensitive to be in grad school” “I am a bad student because I’m not finishing projects quickly” etc. Write until you run out of room. Then, on the right side, write down why that thought ‘makes sense’ to you right now. “I learned from an elementary school teacher that emotions did not belong in school” “I was bullied by an older student who told me I was taking too long on my tests”. This right side is to build self compassion. It is an entire list of “wow that’s so human of you. It makes so much sense that you feel that way”. Which I believe, and know to be true, is such a crucial step in healing. Rather than trying to internalize positive affirmations that feel, I suspect, so far away from truth right now.
Another something that I know, but I think is fairly unpopular, especially amongst mental health professionals, coping skills are not the same thing has healing. It’s wonderful that you’re journaling and exercising, and that you know you need to eat & sleep even when it’s hard, but those are what can be considered maintenance tasks. Which is not to say that they are always easy to do! Just that it is hard to heal if those things aren’t consistently being done, rather than that consistently doing them is the healing itself.
Coping skills like exercising and journaling can provide relief, and depending on the depths of despair, it can be a significant amount of relief. But they don’t shift the circumstances that brought you to these stories that you’re a waste of money or a disappointment or overly sensitive. Categorically untrue stories - I want to make sure that repeating your words do not make you feel like I am agreeing with them, because I’m not.
To-try’s for moving beyond coping:
Identify one person, for one situation, that you can make one shift with. Healing happens in action, so to go beyond coping, we have to change a behavior, a story we tell ourselves, our reactions to a situation. It happens by asking for help and having that person help you. It happens by asking for a hug, and feeling cared for in it. It happens by asking to discuss your workload, and having your advisor understand and make changes with you. It happens by making a phone call to the counseling center, and showing up to a therapist that makes you feel understood and seen. You don’t have to change everything over night. Take one action, with one person who you suspect or know already will be receptive. It’s amazing how much confidence and internal worthiness can be built in the smallest changes - when we pay attention to them as evidence.
Add one instance of play into your day every day. Play naturally communicates to our bodies that we are safe - we wouldn’t be playing if there was a tiger behind us. You don’t need to suddenly not feel sad every day, the goal is not to transform your entire emotional landscape after this letter. It’s about the small things adding up, and play is very much one of those cumulative impacts for us as play is our first language and it never goes away. Even if it feels uncomfortable and odd as an adult.
Reconnect with people in whatever way feels helpful. You may ask people in your cohort to have library days together, or if they want to eat lunch together (it might make eating feel easier?), or if they want to go to laser tag with you (a form of play I personally love). You don’t have to tell them how you’re feeling, you don’t have to ask them for advice if you don’t want to, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to. The thing about being in connection with people is that we get to see ourselves reflected back to ourselves, and that can be helpful in building confidence and feeling capable and self-compassionate and internalizing being cared for. You may even find, through friendship and connection, that you aren’t so alone in your feelings too.
There’s a lot of suggestions in this letter, don’t go try to implement them all tomorrow. They are ideas that require energy and intention and reflection. Take your time with them, listen to what excites you to try and be kind to yourself as you navigate healing. Also remember, as we head into winter, that it’s okay to feel less energetic and productive. And that healing isn’t always linear and consistent.
Do reach out to a mental health professional / peer support if you suspect that would be helpful as well!
I believe in you.
Til next Sunday,
Dr. Sydney Conroy
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