How Do I Deal with Constant Criticism?
Let’s address the use of the word coward here to begin.
A coward is someone who “lacks courage in facing danger”.
There’s much to unpack there, culturally, about what is classified as courageous and what is understood as danger. And what action or inaction means.
My assessment of the situation, from the information provided, is not anywhere near you being a coward. (I don’t really like the word in general but that is a letter for another time)
I also would not classify what is being said to you as constructive criticism, the type of feedback that is worth believing is presented to you in good faith as something that can help you improve; that is not what is happening here.
What is being said to you is just criticism; unkind, destructive, and unhelpful.
It makes complete sense to me that you’re not feeling confident in yourself and your abilities after hearing comments like those. Even once is enough to leave a deep impact, let alone these comments being a pattern.
My first piece of advice then is to not try to ‘learn’ from what is being said to you. There is nothing useful in that attitude that your supervisor is bringing to you. It’s okay to practice rejecting this story that some people will never improve. It’s necessary to begin refuting, to yourself to begin, the narrative that you’re supposedly wasting your time.
Because I can’t be certain about the dynamic with your supervisor, I don’t want to blindly encourage you to challenge that feedback in real time. However, I do think it’s worth exploring if there is any way to pushback on both the networking and the presentation bits.
Is there an opportunity to set up a meeting with someone prior to the conference so you can have ‘met’ them before and may make talking or networking with them easier in person? Someone your supervisor can give you a warm connection to via email?
Are there networking groups in your area that you could attend for practice to prop up your own comfortability and self confidence? (Whether it’s an entrepreneur meet up or a hobby meet up or a researcher meet up at your university, any of the above will give you practice!)
My advice for networking can be found in this letter: Networking Nerves
As for presenting, can you ask for two tangible pieces of feedback on your slides?
Or before printing a poster, can you ask your supervisor to approve it?
Could you try to create a presentation on your own (write your own script?) and ask your supervisor to go through it with you and be taught where or how to shift phrasing (if needed)?
Or can you do a mock presentation with your lab or group or center to get genuine feedback from other people?
Is there enough of a relationship between your supervisor and you to have a meeting, or email exchange, about what style or type of feedback is helpful for you?
One of the most challenging aspects of academia I think is having to advocate for yourself to the person (or people) who have the power to impact your opportunities, funding, connections, and timeline.
It’s nerve-racking, it’s anxiety-inducing, it’s challenging.
So do take some time with it. What would feel like a ‘real’ option for you? Sometimes people suggest things and all the while in your head you’re like ‘absolutely not possible’ so if that’s where all those suggestions land that I wrote above, it’s okay to not do them. It is worth really brainstorming though because there seems to be nothing sustainable for you with this dynamic.
You’re supposed to be learning things during grad school. It’s absolutely allowed if what you’re learning is public speaking and presenting skills and networking. That’s an important part of being a researcher - communicating the findings but also the value of the work.
Your supervisor should not be judging you or criticizing you for finding your footing with presenting. It’s not natural for many people and that’s okay. The belief that people cannot improve is not only unhelpful to you, but untrue. (That points to some maybe burnout on their part)
Which is all to say that your relationship to criticism, how it feels tender and hard at times to digest, is not relevant here when the criticism is actually just a bad attitude and unkind communication.
It’s so human of you to not feel competent right now, when the person who is supposed to be supporting your journey as a researcher and encouraging you, is saying these things to you. It will have an impact and that is not your fault.
The moving forward bit, is up to you though.
Have you considered asking for or trying to add a co-supervisor? Someone who might have a kinder disposition and a desire to mentor or teach?
Do you feel like it’s reportable? Do you want to report it?
Have you spoken to any peers or lab-mates or anyone about their experiences with their supervisor and asked for advice? Have you talked to anyone about your supervisor who has also had/ has your supervisor about their experience?
Is there a service at the library or student center of some sort that would allow you to practice before the next conference?
Have you ever attended any trainings or courses or webinars on presenting or public speaking? Do you think that could help you build up your confidence after these comments?
Many of the routes forward could be taken without involving your supervisor, if you don’t feel comfortable, safe, or able to talk to them about it. If you have a sense that you could talk to them though, consider what a way forward could look like both involving and not involving your supervisor. There’s options like not saying anything until the next conference, but there’s also options to bring it up in your next supervision in a sort of retrospective way. It all depends on what feels right for you.
I’m feeling sad that this is your academic experience, frustrated that you have to advocate for yourself in this way with your supervisor, and hopeful for clarity as you read this to know what to do next.
Cheering you on!
Til next Sunday,
Dr. Sydney Conroy
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